“You may not be able to be PTA president or chair the fundraising committee that's going to meet every week, but you can do specific functions, whether it's the book fair for a weekend or the school parties— something like that where you are being just like one of the other parents,” she said. “You're physically there, your kid sees you as involved in the situation, and you have the chance to meet the other families that your kids interact with.”
Another thing she did to expand her friendships was to learn tennis, a sport that her husband plays and that her 13-year-old son plays competitively. Two years ago she took lessons and eventually joined a league. “A number of my current friends now are from that group of women,” she said.
▸ Find a hobby. If you engage yourself in a hobby such as record collecting or league participation in your favorite sport, “you end up meeting a lot of people from all different walks of life and all different fields, yet you share that common interest,” Dr. Flamm said. Two years ago he joined a local astronomy club. He had dabbled in astronomy in high school, “but not seriously,” he said.
The club holds monthly meetings in a local auditorium and monthly star viewing parties in the desert. “Not viewing for Hollywood stars,” he quips. He makes every effort to attend the events.
Becoming a collector is another way to meet people, added Dr. Flamm, who is a longtime collector of calculators. “Most of the people who are into that are engineers who have no interest in medicine at all, but you can meet various people,” he said. “When I was actively collecting calculators a few years ago, my wife and I would go to a flea market almost every weekend.”
Another enriching experience for Dr. Flamm has been acquiring a springer spaniel puppy named Zoe. He and his wife brought her home after their two 14-year-old dogs passed away last year, and they recently adopted a 3-month-old puppy named Hunter.
They occasionally take Zoe and Hunter to dog-friendly parks in their area, “where you meet the nicest people who are always interested in dogs,” he said.
Dr. Bruce Flamm finds that taking his dogs, Zoe (left) and Hunter, to a dog park is a good way to socialize. Courtesy Dr. Bruce Flamm
One Physician's Profile in Friendship
In the mid-1990s, Dr. Toni Harris realized that pressures from her academic medicine post as chief of benign gynecology at the University of California, Davis, Medical Center were taking a personal toll.
“It was going to work at the crack of dawn and coming home after a normal person would eat dinner,” she recalled. “I didn't know the news and I didn't take care of myself physically, and I didn't sustain my interpersonal relationships outside of my immediate circle of friends and family.” She resigned from the post in 1996 and went into private practice, but learned that the demands of that setting were greater than she expected. That segment of her career ended in 2002.
“I got into my 50s and I said, 'Life is now. One has no idea how long one's life will be.'” Dr. Harris is back at the UC medical center part-time and is a partner in a medical device start-up company.
One of the goals she has set for herself is to pursue friendships. One of her most cherished is with a teenager, Chris Benderev, who is the son of a urologist she worked with in private practice. “He was 10 when we became friends, and we have actively cultivated that relationship,” said Dr. Harris, who does not have her own children. “I'm more than a surrogate aunt, more like a truly good friend to a young person, and a mentor. He goes on vacations with my husband and me, he comes to see us without the rest of his family, and we get to participate in the decision-making process as he's gotten older about what he wants to do in life.”
Three years ago when her husband was on duty in Kosovo with the Army Reserve, she and Chris went to the movies nearly every Friday night. “To have a 14-year-old boy want to go out to the movies with a 55-year-old nonrelative who he considers his friend has been one of the real honors of my life,” she said.
Helpful Reading
The physicians who were interviewed for this story recommended these books: