Most parents hope that their children will be motivated and hard-working at school, but ambitious students usually face very high levels of stress. Ambitious young people typically push themselves very hard and may not spend enough time in play, relaxation, or exploring potential interests. Their time with peers might be more competitive than social or fun. They may become rigidly focused on a goal, paving the way for devastation if they fall short of their own expectations. They may internalize stress and not ask for help if it starts to take a toll on their mental health. But ambition is not incompatible with healthy development and well-being. Pediatricians usually know who the ambitious students in their practice are, and will hear about the stress they may be experiencing. You have the opportunity to offer them (or their parents) some strategies to manage their high stress levels, and build resilience.
Support ambition, but not perfectionism
It can be helpful to acknowledge to young people that they are ambitious, enabling them to acknowledge this fact about themselves. This kind of drive can be an admirable strength when it is part of an emerging identity, a wish to be successful as defined by the patient.
Dr. Susan D. Swick
It is more likely to be problematic if it is a product of a parent’s need to have a child perform as they deem best. Second, it is critical to differentiate ambition from perfectionism. While ambition can keep someone focused and motivated in the face of difficulty, perfectionism is a bully that leaves a person feeling perpetually inadequate. Ambition without a specific interest or focus can lead to general perfectionism in a young person, and parents might unwittingly support this by applauding successes or becoming overinvested in this success reflecting onto them. When the pediatrician points out to a patient (and parents) that perfection is neither possible nor desirable, they may respond, “why wouldn’t I want to be perfect?” Remind them that perfectionism is actually the enemy of long-term accomplishment, discouraging risk-taking, reflection, and growth.
Celebrate failure!
The critical difference between an ambitious person who is persistent and determined (and thus equipped to succeed) and the brittle perfectionist is the ability to tolerate failure and setbacks. Point out to your patients that ambition means there will be a lot of setbacks, disappointments, and failures, as they attempt things that are challenging. Indeed, they should embrace each little failure, as that is how real learning and growth happen, especially if they are constantly stretching their goals.
As children or teenagers learn that failure is evidence that they are on track, working hard, and improving, they will develop tenacity and flexibility. Carol S. Dweck, PhD, a psychologist who has studied school performance in young people, has demonstrated that when young people are praised for their results they tend to give up when they fail, whereas if they are praised for their hard work and persistence, they redouble their effort when they fail. Parents, teachers, and pediatricians have the power to shift an ambitious child’s mindset (Dweck’s term) by helping the child change his or her thinking about what failure really means.
Dr. Michael S. Jellinek
Cultivate self-awareness and perspective
It is one of the central tasks of growing up to learn what one’s interests, talents, and values are, and this self-knowledge is especially critical in ambitious young people. Without genuine interests or passions, ambition may feel like a hollow quest for approval. It is more likely to become general perfectionism. So children and teenagers need adults who are curious about their underlying interests, who patiently help them to cultivate these interests and dedicate their ambition to the pursuit of these passions. Younger children need adult time and support to explore a variety of interests, dabbling so they might figure out where their interests and talents converge. This can provide plenty of opportunity to celebrate effort over achievement. By adolescence, they should have a clearer sense of their personal interests and abilities, and will be deepening their efforts in fewer areas. Adolescence is also when they start to build a narrative of who they are and what values are truly their own. Parents can serve as models and facilitators for their teenagers’ emerging sets of values. Values such as honesty, compassion, or generosity (for example) organize one’s efforts, giving them deeper meaning and keeping difficulties in perspective. Values also will help ambitious young people set their own goals and create an individualized and meaningful definition of success, and keep bigger failures, losses, or disappointments in perspective.
Teach self-care
It seems obvious to state that learning how to care for one’s self is essential to well-being, but for ambitious young people (and adults), self-care is often the first thing to go (or the last thing they consider) in their busy days. Explain to your patients (and parents) that without adequate, consistent, restful sleep, all of their hard work will be inefficient or likely squandered. Explain that daily cardiovascular exercise is not frivolous, but rather essential to balance their cognitive efforts, and offers potent protection for their physical and mental health. There is even robust evidence that sleep and exercise are directly helpful to memory, learning, and creativity. When a parent models this kind of self-care, it is far more powerful than simply talking about it!
Relaxation is self-care!
While most teenagers do not need to be taught how to relax, those very ambitious ones are likely to need permission and even help in learning how to effectively and efficiently blow off steam. Help them to approach relaxation as they would approach a new subject, open-minded and trying different things to determine what works for them. Some may find exercise relaxing, while some may need a cognitive distraction (sometimes called “senseless fun,” an activity not dedicated to achievement) such as reading, family games, or television. Social time often is very effective relaxation for teenagers, and they should know that it is as important as sleep and studying for their performance. Some may find that a calming activity such as yoga or meditation recharges their batteries, whereas others may need noisy video games to feel renewed. Suggest that they should protect (just a little) time for relaxation even on their busiest days to help them develop good habits of self-care. Without consistent, reliable relaxation, ambitious young people are at risk for burnout or for impulsive and extreme behaviors such as binge-drinking.
Be on the lookout for red flags
In the same way that high performing athletes are at risk for stress fractures or other injuries of repetitive, intense physical activity, ambitious students are vulnerable to some of the problems that can follow sustained, intense cognitive effort. These risks go up if they are sleep deprived, stop exercising, or are socially isolated. Parents can be on the lookout for signs of depression or anxiety disorders, such as loss of energy, withdrawal from friends or beloved activities, persistent unhappiness or irritability (sustained over days to weeks), and of course morbid preoccupations.
Intense perfectionism is common among young people at risk for eating disorders, depression and self-injury, and anxiety disorders. Beyond recognizing signs, it is even more important for parents and pediatricians to equip ambitious young people to stay connected and ask for help if they experience a change in their emotional equilibrium. Suggest to your patients that they should never worry alone. They should ask for help if they are struggling to sleep, to sustain their motivation or effort, or notice feeling panicked, unusually tearful, or hopeless. Depression and anxiety are common and treatable problems in adolescents, but ambitious adolescents might be inclined to try to soldier through them. Caring adults should demystify and destigmatize mood and anxiety problems. You might point out that they would ask for help for a toothache or a painful knee joint, and that their mental health should be no different.
Many ambitious children have ambitious parents who might look back on their own adolescence and wonder if they were sufficiently balanced in their approach or whether they overreacted to failure. Sometimes honest sharing of successes, failures, and enduring dilemmas can build an empathic bridge from one generation to the next.
Dr. Swick is an attending psychiatrist in the division of child psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, and director of the Parenting at a Challenging Time (PACT) Program at the Vernon Cancer Center at Newton Wellesley Hospital, also in Boston. Dr. Jellinek is professor emeritus of psychiatry and pediatrics, Harvard Medical School, Boston. Email them at pdnews@frontlinemedcom.com.