A 7-year-old boy, Jacob, with a history of ADHD and frequent impulsive behavior, takes a calculator from another child’s desk. About 3 months before, he had come home after taking another child’s action figure. His parents have been working on parent training for ADHD, but don’t know how to respond to this behavior and are very upset at their son.
Discussion
Stealing is an issue of serious concern to parents. To understand how common this is in younger children, researchers need to rely on the reports of parents and teachers, which may be underestimates of the problem because stealing is usually a hidden or covert behavior. Research on older youth can include anonymous self-reports.
Dr. Allison Y. Hall
Stealing and dishonesty are such disappointing behaviors to adults that it is tempting to resort to harsh punishments, long lectures, or harshly disparaging words. But these kinds of punishments backfire. The goal is an overall positive relationship and a calm consistent response to undesired behaviors. Parents often need support in how to be positive with a child who is frustrating them. Taking 15 minutes a day to do some activity a child likes – playing catch, playing a board game, cooking together, or doing crafts – all while noticing the positive things a child is doing rather than teaching, criticizing, or grilling a child on what happened in school sets a happier tone to the relationship, which is a background for any discipline. Jacob’s parents had already been working on this through their parent training class, but it helped to encourage them to keep doing this.
Because of the covert nature of stealing, it is sometimes hard to know where an item has come from, and children are likely to lie about this, saying that a friend gave it to them or they found it. To avoid this, when working with a child who has been stealing, the expectation should be made clear in advance that it is the child’s responsibility to avoid suspicion by having nothing in his possession that is not known to the adult. It is important to avoid back and forth arguments. The adult’s decision is final. With frequent stealing, it is helpful to make an inventory of the child’s possessions as a baseline.
When it comes to consequences, the important thing is to be sure that they are consistent and predictable. Returning an item to the owner and apologizing are logical. Another excellent type of consequence for behaviors that happen rarely is an extra work chore of about half an hour.
So a parent might say something like, “Jacob, we know that a stealing monster has been getting you, and we want to fight against him. I have made up a list of everything you have right now, and it is going to be your responsibility to make sure you don’t bring home anything else. So that means even if you find something or someone gives you something, you shouldn’t take it. If I find anything that isn’t on the list, you are going to have to return it to the person it belongs to and apologize, and then do an extra work chore for half an hour. A habit can be hard to change, but I know we can do it together. Let’s go play catch.” Then when the child is found with something in his possession, the adult should remain calm, avoid a lecture, and just say something like, “Jacob, this is something that doesn’t belong to you. You need to return it to the person it belongs to, and you have an extra half hour of raking leaves. No TV until the leaves are done.” The parent also should be alert to opportunities to attend to or praise behaviors like the child saving money to spend on things he wants, or asking to borrow things from other family members rather than just taking them.
Stealing can be a tough problem and often goes along with other rule-breaking behavior. If a parent is struggling to stay calm and find the positive, referral to group or individual parent training through programs like the Incredible Years or Triple P can give a parent the chance to learn and practice skills step by step.
As children enter their teen years, stealing becomes much more common, and can be reinforced by peers as well as by the action itself. The same principles of finding positive activities, continuing positive interactions with parents, and predictable and consistent – rather than harsh – consequences continue to apply, but may require additional supports. Larger programs such as Multisystemic Therapy, which works with families, peers, and communities, have been demonstrated to be effective for young people with juvenile delinquency.
Dr. Hall is assistant professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of Vermont, Burlington. She said she had no relevant financial disclosures.
Resource
Stealing, in “Children’s needs III: Development, prevention, and intervention,” (Washington: National Association of School Psychologists, 2006, pp. 171-83).