The meaning of a child’s misbehavior also resides in the minds of the adults. In addition to all the categories of meaning just described, a parent may be reminded by the child of someone else for whom the adult has strong or conflicted feelings (“projection”) such as a now-hated ex, a sibling of whom the adult is jealous, or a bully from childhood, thus eliciting a reaction falsely triggered by that connection rather than the actual child. Asking parents whom the child “takes after” may elicit such parental projections based on appearance, behavior, or temperament. Helping them pick a feature of the child to focus on to differentiate him/her can serve as an anchor to remind them to control these reactions. Other useful questions to detect meanings of behavior might include asking the child “What’s up with that?” or “What did that make you think/feel?” We can ask parents “How is that for you?” or “What do you think things will be like in 10 years?” to determine despair, mood disorders, or family discord contributing to maladaptive responses possibly maintaining unwanted behaviors.
Throughout life, putting feelings into words is the main way meanings that are contributing to misbehaviors or parenting dysfunction can be uncovered and shifted. For this, the child or adult must feel emotionally safe to talk with a person who conveys curiosity rather than judgment. Helping families explain that divorce is not the child’s fault; admit they also make mistakes; rebuild conflicted relationships through play or talking; identify hypersensitivities or triggers to avoid; and express confidence that the child is a good person, still young, and sure to do better over time, are all things we pediatricians can do to help sort out the meanings of behaviors.
Dr. Howard is assistant professor of pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University, Baltimore, and creator of CHADIS. She had no other relevant disclosures. Dr. Howard’s contribution to this publication was as a paid expert to MDedge News. E-mail her at pdnews@mdedge.com.