You might also say: “Have you considered whether you really need to or want to do all of these things?” or “Have you considered backing off?” If the response is, “No, I've never thought about this before,” the parent may ask you in return: “Do you think it's a problem?” Then you have the opportunity to go over the potential pros and cons I've already outlined.
You might ask: “What are the good things about being this involved with your child?” And when you ask this, push them to include not only the effects (he's learned to play the violin or is now state ranked in tennis) but the way they feel about it as well. Parents might say things that reveal their reasons such as: “It makes me feel that I'm a good parent because I've done all these things for her” or “I feel more comfortable when I'm at work because I know he is safe at his karate class.”
Then you might ask them: “Is there any downside to being so involved in all of your child's activities?” You might get this response: “I'm beginning to resent it. I signed him up for all these activities, and now I don't have any free time any more.”
The next step in motivational interviewing is to ask about their readiness for change in a gentle way. “Do you think you might consider backing off?” If they say yes, you can ask, “What would be one of the things you could back off on now?” Make sure it is specific and also includes a time frame: “When would you be able to make this change?” In one family I was helping, the child had been talking to his parents on the phone 20 times a day. For him, a goal-setting question was, “What would it take to cut that down to 15 times?” Don't set an unrealistic goal such as stopping altogether.
Some parents initially will not be amenable to changing their behavior. For example, if they say, “I don't know. I never thought about this before,” you may need to be more circumspect. You might say, “Is there something else about this way of relating to your child that is making you want to continue?” Or use other parents as an example: “Some parents find when they back off the child becomes more relaxed, gets right on his homework by himself, and is happier.”
Garnering support for a change in behavior is an important component. You might ask: “Who could help you back off?” Finding other parents to have as friends who are not so intense, who don't feel the need to have a perfect child, or who are willing to let their kids be more autonomous may be key. Some websites and social networks developing to help parents back off from helicoptering promote “slow parenting,” “free-range parenting,” or “simplicity parenting.”
One important goal of the motivational interview is to come away with a time-based action plan. For a parent who says: “I don't want to change anything” or “This is the most important thing I'm doing for my kid,” you can keep change on the agenda by saying something like: “OK, perhaps we can talk about it when you bring her back for her vaccine in 2 months” and then make a note in the chart so you remember.
Inability to follow an agreed-upon plan can reveal where the parents or child is getting stuck, so this can be subsequently addressed. On a follow-up contact ask how it went and praise them, especially if they exceeded the goal. Or the parent may say, “When I tried to do that, he had a panic attack” or “I got depressed. I felt worthless, like I was not protecting my child.” That will help you understand the barriers for these parents and help you arrange appropriate treatment.
Even though helicopter parenting sounds like something new, addressing it employs your same old clinical skills.
---Barbara J. Howard, M.D.