One of the things I love about being a pediatrician is that I get to think about some of life’s deeper questions with the families under my care. How can we help him be kinder to his sister? Will she still love me if let her cry it out at bedtime? What can we do so that he knows the difference between right and wrong? Parents worry about these issues and are sometimes in conflict with each other, as well as with the habits they have from their own upbringing on what to do.
Fortunately, nature is on our side. Dr. Marc D. Hauser in his book "Moral Minds: How Nature Designed Our Universal Sense of Right and Wrong" (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 2006) describes how biology determines what is experienced as right or wrong, predisposing humans to behaviors that not only promote their own survival but that of their social group as well. But broad biological forces don’t help with day-to-day child rearing decisions – or do they?
Dr. Barbara J. Howard
While most parents asking for our help with discipline say that the main thing they want is to "Stop him from being bad"; protecting the child from harm comes in the next breath, especially for younger children. When parents give an example of important discipline they are sure you will understand and endorse, it is most often a smack they deliver to keep the child from running into the street. This example is useful in conversations about discipline as it is actually a well-intentioned desire to teach the child life skills, personal survival being the first. The smack is effective, not because of its pain on the skin but rather because of the accompanying emotional scream of fear the parent delivers simultaneously, conveying that survival is at stake. "To teach" is the underlying origin of the word discipline, and teaching not only personal survival but also social survival should be the overarching goals.
What are some of the other life skills parents struggle to teach their charges in the ultimately short 18 years they get to do this? To wait your turn, to share, to clean up, to bathe regularly, to leave other people’s stuff alone, to tell the truth (and later to not always say it so bluntly). This reminds me of the Boy Scout law and also the ever-true quote "Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten." How come this learning is attributed to kindergarten and not to the parents? Probably because the teaching in kindergarten is made completely clear, written on the board, reviewed every day, applied to everyone equally, and, in the best programs, made into a cheerful group game by a beloved teacher. All parents can aspire to and learn from these methods!
The best, and actually the easiest method of discipline, is establishing structure – otherwise called routines – just like kindergarten. When children experience a structure for the day – meals at the table, clean up after play, hand washing before eating, bedtimes with a book – they feel like a part of the family and derive meaning for their lives. With routines, children cease resisting even things they would prefer not to do, such as go to bed. Routines promote socialized behaviors in any environment, from palace to homeless shelter. The family is basically making clear the rules, saying, "Here is how we do it." Children are very interested in learning this and watch closely to see if this is how the grown-ups really behave. Having your actions match your words rather than being hypocritical is one of the ways having children makes us clean up our acts!
With young children, modeling the desired behavior is by far the best way to teach it. Actually, that applies at all ages and, even though ’tweens and teens will moan, they are still watching. Kindness to siblings, forgiveness for lapses, restraining anger when frustrated, pitching in to clean up, and persistence on difficult tasks are desired behaviors that are somewhat hard to describe. Of course, the opposite is also true – demonstrating angry, out-of-control behaviors has an even bigger impact, as they are often associated with high dramatic emotion that puts a special mark on them in the child’s memory. "You reap what you sow" applies well to parent modeling.
Not all desired behaviors can be taught by modeling, however. It is a slow method and also depends on a child’s interest in and ability to copy. With the drive for autonomy, children may even do the opposite of what they see done! The best way to teach a desired behavior when it is complicated or not being picked up by observation includes saying exactly and simply what is wanted – "Please pick up your jacket"– and providing immediate reinforcement of approximations of the desired behavior. Younger children learn best with concrete rewards – a sticker, a trinket, or a pat on the head with a description of what they did that was good and a happy smile. Using smaller rewards helps even stingy parents reward every time they should, and keep the child from having tantrums over huge prizes they crave but have not yet earned. Larger rewards or consequences actually have been shown to reduce a child’s sense of responsibility for a behavior, presumably as they justify their compliance as intended solely to get the prize. Gradually, praise suffices. Praise is still best when it includes a specific description of the steps accomplished – "Good job finding so many of your toys" – and including the social value – "It makes me feel proud that you are getting to be a good helper".