Who says Americans are no longer competitive? A quick glance at reality television proves we’re the best of the best at sorting through trash, dressing in drag, and running around in the jungle without clothes, all skills critical for success in today’s economy. Now the hardest fought competition in America has a winner. The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) has declared the country’s unhealthiest fast food meal, and it is...dramatic music and lighting...drawn-out, pointless pause...fish.
In a world that includes a glazed donut breakfast sandwich, bacon-filled tater tots, and a six-slices-of-bacon-and-cheese burger, Long John Silvers’ Big Catch managed to swim away with the prize, thanks not so much to its measly 1,320 kcal as to the 33 grams of trans fats and 3,700 mg of sodium distributed among fried fish, hush puppies, and onion rings in an orgy of artery-clogging crispiness. Honestly, this kind of spoils pirates for me. From now on, when I hear one of them say “Arrr,” I’m gonna be thinking, “There goes his left coronary.”
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Today's nattiest pirates carry their filthy lucre in tasteful briefcases.
Misty
I have spent so much of my life in humid places that I don’t even notice any more. Transplants around me will be complaining that their hair’s a mess or that small ferns are growing from their ears, and I’m all like, “But it’s only 94% humidity. That’s a dry heat!” Now, however, it appears all this dampness does something more than make starching laundry as futile as moving a cat off your keyboard: It causes asthma.
That, at least, was the upshot of a new analysis from the International Study of Asthma and Allergies in Childhood, a comprehensive survey of 46,000 children in 20 countries, some of whom live in damp houses. It turns out that the dampness itself, not the associated mold, dust mites, or bad tempers, causes much of the increased asthma risk.
Obviously, these findings pose some issues for people who live, well, anywhere I’ve ever lived. I suggest that, for the good of public health, we all move to one of the dry parts of the country, as soon as the temperatures there fall below 110° F. Since I already have asthma, I may as well stay put. Y’all come visit sometime, and I’ll cut you a fresh slice of air.
Before its time
Sometimes I try to introduce my children to my favorite things a little too soon. My 2-year-old daughter was not really ready to appreciate Slayer. Or escargot. And yet, we all keep making the same mistake, as is evidenced by a new study in the Journal of Adolescent Health demonstrating that 37% of 8-year-olds had already sipped alcohol. By age 12.5 years, the fraction increased to 67%, with 13% achieving the rank of Certified Sommelier.
The findings wouldn’t be such a big deal had these researchers and others not previously found that kids who started drinking earlier were also more likely to report problem behaviors like binge drinking later on. The idea that we attribute, like all bad ideas, to the French, is that earlier exposure to alcohol would demystify it and keep kids from abusing it. Simple logic should have told us that were this true, there would be no alcoholics in France, which would mean their wines would be lousy, which they’re not, so we shouldn’t waste them on 8-year-olds. In retrospect, it seems obvious, no? Now that she’s 13, I wonder if my daughter would enjoy Ulysses?
Moving on up
Lawmakers in my state have moved aggressively to cut off the traditional paths of social mobility: slashing early-childhood education, defunding public schools, and crafting a regressive new tax structure. The British have already experimented with some of these ideas, and now it’s the Brits who’ve discovered the work-around: breast milk.
According to data from the Own Register General’s Social Class database (doesn’t just reading that make you want a crumpet?), breastfeeding increased children’s odds of upward social mobility by more than 25%, while protecting babies from downward social drift later in life. The effect appeared due in part to the increased IQ attributable to breastfeeding and in part from improved stress responses, which lent nursed babies more emotional resilience. Doing a quick back-of-the-napkin calculation, I figure newborns born into poverty in North Carolina should all be able to attend Harvard provided they consume...let’s see here...24 gallons of breast milk a day. For those who can’t, well, there’s always a career in reality television. Or piracy.
David L. Hill, M.D., FAAP is the author of Dad to Dad: Parenting Like a Pro (AAP Publishing, 2012). He is also vice president of Cape Fear Pediatrics in Wilmington, N.C., and adjunct assistant professor of pediatrics at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. He serves as Program Director for the AAP Council on Communications and Media and as an executive committee member of the North Carolina Pediatric Society. He has recorded commentaries for NPR's All Things Considered and provided content for various print, television and Internet outlets.