Every parent would probably include on a wish list for their child that he or she should be a "good moral person." Believe it or not, the foundations of morality are being laid in the first few years. But the way caregivers try to instill morality can actually backfire in painful ways right before your clinical eyes and are worth monitoring.
Moral behavior is partly inherent and partly learned. And the learning comes more from the Do’s than from the Don’ts.
The Do’s that help instill a moral sense start with the ways caregivers nurture, model for, talk to, and provide opportunities for the child to practice empathic behavioral and rule-governed behavior.
When a new mother leaves a 2-month-old baby to cry saying, "My mom says he will get spoiled if I pick him up all the time," I know there will be a lot of work ahead. By responding promptly to crying, the infant learns about compassion and trust in relationships, and the secure attachment relationship that develops from such contingent responsiveness can help him respond kindly to others, rather than with the aggression one might consider "bad." Meeting a child’s needs promotes empathy and confidence later, and makes the child want to please the beloved caregiver.
When a 4-month-old grabs his mother’s hair and "won’t" let go (because he can’t release), watch out for an interpretation that he is "mean." It’s time to educate the parent that babies need to practice their newest skills – such as reaching and grasping – and that they have no mental capacity to intend to hurt. Instead of a responsibility to stamp out this behavior, the parent has the long-term task of protecting the child from offending, for example by keeping earrings out of range and providing toys to exercise new abilities.
Did you ever notice how an 8-month-old will get nervous when you zoom in with the stethoscope, and will crane his neck to look up at his mother’s face? This social referencing is his way of checking to see how he should feel about you and the world. A mother who hugs, smiles, and reassures, then urges the child to reach for the proffered instrument, is teaching optimism. An anxious, absent, or critical response can teach the child that he’d better be on guard and strike before he is struck (called hostile bias attribution), predicting later anxiety and aggression. Parents’ reactions shape future patterns: If they overreact, they transmit fear; if they give inadequate cues, they leave the child anxious; if they punish the child for exploring, he will later sneak.
Good news! Babies are wired to be kind! From the gooey cracker a 9-month-old lovingly offers his dad to the 12-month-old’s finger point to share the wonder of an airplane high in the sky, babies love to share. If parents miss the intent or scold the mess, this generosity of spirit can be dampened. You can help parents understand that sharing attention is a moral act – a gift to the other – coming from parent to child or vice versa.
Toddler temperament also plays into family perceptions of the child as being good or bad. Impulsive, highly active children not only do things repeatedly that the parent doesn’t want, but do it at great speed. Sometimes this is the first sign of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in which the child does not outgrow impulsive behaviors, bad and good. When parents can accept this as the child’s "style," they can accommodate or even capitalize on it (e.g., Olympic gymnasts), rather than providing constant criticism that undermines the child’s desire to please and be like them.
But what about when children do something wrong or dangerous? This is where the "Don’ts" of moral teaching come in.
While redirecting and distracting may suffice for babies, physical setting of limits by taking things away or not giving items in the first place is crucial for older children. It directly conveys rules, reassures them that adults will protect them from offenses, and also pushes them to develop frustration tolerance and the ability to delay gratification – key components of moral behavior. I find it useful to tell parents that overindulgent or laissez-faire parenting is depriving them of these crucial skills!
By 12 months, the baby – now a toddler – has ideas of his own and wants to try everything over and over, like dropping food from high chair to floor. This can be viewed as an achievement or perceived as defiance when a parental warning sparks a smirk and another try at Newton’s experiment. Besides needing repetition to learn, toddlers show their pleasure in figuring out a rule, even if it is a rule "not to throw food"! Sometimes we have to head off conclusions that the smirk portends becoming a sociopath – on the contrary, it means the child is discovering boundaries.