In toddlers, who are under construction in all sorts of ways, rules are not only constantly being tested, but also only partially internalized. Children may seem callous when curious about deformities and other broken things, poking at your new scar or teasing the cat at 14-18 months, but these are signs of cognitive growth. The child may even be able to resist doing one forbidden thing, but act aggressively to something else due to having only partial self-control.
Words finally become the main path for moral development during the first few years. Even in adulthood we use symbols of the devil on one shoulder and angel on the other whispering in the ears of a person making a moral choice. By 18 months, toddlers may say "no" or "hot" to a danger, but they only do this is if the parent is watching. It is no surprise that parents say, "Sure, he understands the meaning of no" when a shouted "no" stops the toddler in his tracks, if only briefly. But children can’t resist temptation based on words alone when the parent is not around, until 24 months, and even then that skill varies by temperament.
How does talking about right and wrong work? Children of mothers who verbalize a sibling’s point of view with strong emotion have more friendly behavior 14 months later, ask mom for help with conflicts, and have more feeling words, conciliation skills, and reference to rules (but also teasing) at 24 months.
The preschooler may call someone a "poopy-head," but often refrains from other hurting. Language has come to replace action!
By recognizing and reframing the ways parents perceive and label their children’s early skills, you can help promote both moral development and positive self-esteem.
Dr. Howard is assistant professor of pediatrics at The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, Baltimore, and creator of CHADIS. She has no other relevant disclosures. Dr. Howard’s contribution to this publication was as a paid expert to Frontline Medical Communications. E-mail her at pdnews@frontlinemedcom.com.