Now and then I have met someone who seems to have grown up, without therapy, into a relatively balanced, contented person, little encumbered by internal conflicts. As a psychoanalyst and psychiatrist, I continue to wonder how to account for this.
Growing up has so many difficulties and challenges that successfully traversing them all on one’s own seems a daunting task. Where is the child’s guide to developing a sense of personal autonomy while also enjoying relationships with others? How does the child of 3 or 13 figure out how to deal with envy, sexual feelings, and vengeful and destructive wishes? How can the child figure out that her stomachache represents anxiety about going to school, or further, that her worry about school may serve to distract her from more serious concerns about events and fantasies at home?
Dr. Lawrence D. Blum
There is a reason why so many movies about or for children (such as E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial) depict adults as uncomprehending of children’s worlds: There is a certain truth to it. Even the most intuitive and empathic parents can never fully grasp the inner world of a child, even though they were children once themselves. Nonetheless, their efforts are important, and parents routinely help children learn to understand, accept, and regulate their feelings and wishes. But there are always shameful and guilty feelings that children prefer their parents not know, and always feelings and fantasies that parents can’t imagine.
A 4-year-old girl may brazenly tell her mother that she plans to marry Daddy but hide how much she would love to destroy her younger brother – or vice versa. No matter how her mother responds, the little girl still is significantly on her own as she tries to figure out fantasy and reality. With little knowledge or experience, children are called upon to deal with their own imperious wishes, their own self-criticisms, their changing bodies, and parents’ and teachers’ demands, not to mention the existence of gravity, hunger, sickness, sadness, friends’ rejections, baseball strikeouts, and so on. Parents can help and can hurt, but there is always a lot that is beyond their control.