Language is modeled, right down to accent. But when parents complain about their child cussing, raising their voice in anger, having an “attitude,” or “talking back,” it is worth asking (parent and child) “Where do you think they/you have heard talk like that?” It may be childcare providers, peers, TV, video games or online media (all of which may warrant a change), but it also may reflect interactions at home.
Children make stronger memories when emotions are high as these may signal danger, making recall more salient to survival. This salience helps explain the lasting detriments to learning and health of growing up with psychological abuse, marital discord, partner violence, mental illness, or criminal behavior (among the Adverse Childhood Experiences). Such experiences cause stress and a sense of the world as a dangerous place, but also become models for the child’s own later relationships as adults. While unavoidable, they can be buffered by parents’ explaining them and providing alternative positive modeling.
Watching the parent conduct their craft, a key component of apprenticeship and family businesses in the past, has been replaced by YouTube and avatars for learning physical skills. But “modeling the process” of pride in craftsmanship, persistence in a task, and recovering and starting over when things go awry are omitted from training videos. These are good reasons to assure that parents do chores, crafts, cooking, or camping with their children as some things will surely go wrong, giving parents the chance to model resilience and problem solving!
Although teens may protest conversations and activities, they are watching their parents for how to be a spouse, a neighbor, a friend, a leader, a citizen. Parents, who may be cutting their teens loose, need to continue to expect/require participation in family meals and outings. Those are opportunities to model adult-level interactions with each other and with the community as well as to talk about their activities at work, in volunteering, in charity, and in religious practice. The moral development of the adolescent is shaped by what they see to the degree that when parents state one moral code but violate it themselves (for example, cheating on taxes, running red lights), the teen is less likely to follow the principles long term that the parents have verbalized.
Parents often relate to us as though we were their own parents. While this “projection” can interfere with disclosure on touchy subjects, it is also an opportunity for us to model ways of relating and reacting from sympathizing with the 4-year-old screaming about vaccines to asking an 8-year-old why he thinks his parents are getting a divorce.
Parenting (and being a pediatrician) is an opportunity to enjoy reliving your youth or to get a “do over” of parts you would like to have different for your child. Playfulness and silliness model joy for the child that can last a lifetime.
Dr. Howard is assistant professor of pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, Baltimore, and creator of CHADIS (www.CHADIS.com). She has no other relevant disclosures. Dr. Howard’s contribution to this publication was as a paid expert to Frontline Medical News. Email her at pdnews@frontlinemedcom.com.