Use interpersonal effectiveness skills to establish a healthy relationship
Be gentle in all your communications with your partner, think about your spouse’s perspective, show empathy and interest in what your partner has to say by your verbal communication or body language, such as maintaining eye contact, and offer recognitional cues, such as “uh-huh” and “oh, really.” Avoid communication that is at all invalidating. Never start a sentence with “YOU” while having heated conversations with your spouse; instead, use “I feel” statements. This type of communication avoids the blame game that gets many couples into trouble.
Instead, communicate how you feel while not necessarily blaming your spouse but rather expressing your emotions. This will ultimately lead to less defensive communication from your partner. Remember that not all communication is for the sole purpose of communicating. Much of the time, communication is used as an attempt for one partner to connect with the other partner. Couples may say that they have difficulty with communication when it is not the communication that is the issue but instead the underlying disconnect of the couple.
This disconnect usually manifests while couples are communicating, and therefore, can be misconstrued as solely a communication issue by the couple. When your partner asks you to stop staring at your phone during dinner, it is not necessarily that your spouse is attempting to control you or wants to engage in some deep conversation, but more likely a bid to try to connect with you. Your partner is attempting to tell you that he or she feels disconnected, misses you, and wants to reconnect.
Provide validation and acceptance to your partner
Focus on your partner’s strengths and accept the weaknesses. Accept that your partner is scattered, disorganized, and takes at least 20 minutes to find the phone and keys every morning. Remember that during your courtship days, you found your partner’s flighty attributes to be endearing. Do the same for your strengths and weaknesses.
Accept that the pandemic is unpredictable and that you may need to strengthen your ability to be flexible and more adaptable. This will ultimately lead to feeling less disappointment by your partner and more accepting of shortcomings. Acceptance of your imperfections will improve your sense of worth and confidence and lessen negative emotions, such as guilt, regret, and shame.
Dr. Dara Abraham
Accept the fact that, as similar as we all are, we use different methods to recharge ourselves. In contrast, your spouse needs alone time without distractions to reboot mentally and prepare for the following day. In the pre-pandemic world, if there were a mismatch in what a couple needed to feel rejuvenated, they could independently compensate and search for fulfillment outside of the home. Before stay-at-home orders were rolled out throughout the country, spouses had ample opportunities to spend time away from their partners at work, dinner with friends, or while squeezing in a 7 p.m. yoga sculpt class – barely getting home in time to kiss our children goodnight – with a few minutes to spare to engage in mundane conversation with our partners before our nighttime routine of TV commenced. Unfortunately, COVID-19 has made it very hard for couples to carve out that time for compensatory activities outside of the home.
Remember that you are a team
Remind yourself of the reason why you initially fell in love with your partner. Teammates do not keep score or compete with one another. They support each other when one player is not feeling well, and they make sacrifices for the betterment of the team.
Your marriage vows included “through sickness and health” and now should include “through quarantine.”
Dr. Abraham is a psychiatrist in private practice in Philadelphia. She has no disclosures.