Manners are a group asset
Beyond personal benefits, manners are the basis of a civil society. Cultural norm manners are particular to groups, helping members feel affiliated, as well as identifying those with different manners as “other.”
Teens are particularly likely to use a different code of behavior to fit in with a subgroup. This may be acceptable if restricted to within their group (such as swear words) or within certain agreed-upon limits with family members. But teens need to understand the value of learning, practicing, and using manners for their own, as well as their group’s and nation’s, well-being.
As a developmental-behavioral pediatrician, I have cared for many children with intellectual disabilities and autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Deficits in social interaction skills are a basic criterion for the diagnosis of ASD. Overtraining is especially needed for children with ASD whose mirror movements, social attention, and imitation are weak. For children with these conditions, making manners a strong habit takes more effort but is even more vital than for neurotypical children. Temple Grandin, a famous adult with ASD, has described how her mother taught her manners as a survival skill. She reports incorporating manners very consciously and methodically because they did not come naturally. Children with even rote social skills are liked better by peers and teachers, their atypical behaviors is better tolerated, and they get more positive feedback that encourages integration inside and outside the classroom. Manners may make the difference between being allowed in or expelled from classrooms, libraries, clubs, teams, or religious institutions. When it is time to get a job, social skills are the key factor for employment for these individuals and a significant help for neurotypical individuals as well. Failure to signal socially appropriate behavior can make a person appear threatening and has had the rare but tragic result of rough or fatal handling by police.
Has the teaching of manners waned? Perhaps, because, for some families, the child is being socialized mostly by nonfamily caregivers who have low use of manners. Some parents have made teaching manners a low priority or even resisted using manners themselves as inauthentic. This may reflect prioritizing a “laid-back” lifestyle and speaking crudely as a sign of independence, perhaps in reaction to lack of autonomy at work. Mastering the careful interactions developed over time to avoid invoking an aggressive response depend on direct feedback from reactions of the recipient. With so much of our communication done electronically, asynchronously, even anonymously, the usual feedback has been reduced. Practicing curses, insults, and put-downs online easily extends to in-person interactions without the perpetrator even noticing and are generally reinforced and repeated without parental supervision. Disrespectful behavior from community leaders also reduces the threshold for society.
When people are ignorant of or choose not to use manners they may be perceived as “other” and hostile. This may lead to distrust, dislike, and lowered ability to find the common ground needed for making decisions that benefit the greater society. Oliver Wendell Holmes said “Under bad manners ... lies very commonly an overestimate of our special individuality, as distinguished from our generic humanity (“The Professor at the Breakfast Table,” 1858). Working for major goals that benefit all of humanity is essential to survival in our highly interconnected world. Considering all of humanity is a difficult concept for children, and even for many adults, but it starts with using civil behavior at home, in school, and in one’s community.
Dr. Howard is assistant professor of pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University, Baltimore, and creator of CHADIS (www.CHADIS.com). She had no other relevant disclosures. Dr. Howard’s contribution to this publication was as a paid expert to MDedge News. E-mail her at pdnews@mdedge.com.