Adolescents, in contrast, start to tell lies to protect their privacy. For example, a 14-year-old arrives 10 minutes past curfew and says "Sorry ... but there was an accident and it took longer to get home."
Who knows if there was an accident or not? She probably overstayed at the party or gabbed with her friends after the movie. There are all sorts of lies that are expedient and pragmatic, but, again, are not connected to later integrity or a lack of fundamental trust with parents.
An adolescent can have a trust relationship with their parent, feel loved and valued, and still say they were late because of traffic or because the car wouldn’t start. Or he might say he’s going to a friend’s house when in fact he is on the way to meet his girlfriend. That’s really about privacy.
I’m not advocating this lying. I’m recognizing this is part of life and of developing one’s identity. Assure parents that lies told to carve out some privacy or connected to relatively safe social situations do not equate with a moral lie.
Some parents react to expectable lies by becoming more controlling – especially in adolescence. The lie starts a cycle of no trust that translates into more control, restriction of freedom, and less privacy. The teenager is confused by the intensity and implication of this reaction, and yet is still pushed by his own development trajectory to be more independent and private – all of which may encourage more lies.
Pediatricians should advise parents to keep this at scale, not to view a minor lie in black and white terms because this risks the very valuable, deeper trust relationship they need to have with their teenager. You really want a robust level of trust when a teenager faces major decisions such as whether to drive after drinking or to call when they get into trouble.
Lying that bespeaks a fundamental lack of trust in the parent-child relationship is important to recognize. For example, an adolescent might lie about some serious event in his own life if he has recently discovered his mother is cheating on his father. He withholds information because he no longer trusts his parents with the truth. Again, this type of lying might not predict a life of crime, but it does point to a serious trust issue within the family that needs to be addressed.
A very serious type of lying may present when a parent informs you their child tells lies all the time. Consistent lying from an early age often reflects a child not well connected to all of the people who love them. Without such meaningful relationships in their lives, truth telling may have little value.
These patients – particularly if they break rules without remorse, steal at home or school, and commit other dishonest acts – are at risk for delinquency and may have a conduct disorder. Further evaluation and/or psychiatric consultation is warranted for children in whom lying becomes a way of life. However, this serious group is a very small percentage of the population and should not justify a firm and automatic: "Don’t ever lie to me."
Dr. Jellinek is professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. He is also president of Newton (Mass.) Wellesley Hospital. He said he has no relevant disclosures.