A family systems approach allows a family legacy to be revealed, reworked, and rewritten. A new family narrative that carries the family forward and allows the telling of a positive family narrative can be created. We can guide patients to find the positive aspects of their family stories and thus promote family resilience.
Here are a few questions we should ask our patients: "What did your parents teach you that you want to pass along? What values did your parents have? How have you lived or not lived those values? How has the relationship with your parents affected your relationship with your children? How did your parents resolve problems, and how do you resolve problems? How do your children resolve problems? What were the motivations that drove your parents? What countries do your relatives come from? What was it like for them growing up? Did they experience deprivation? War? How has that affected you and your siblings? Are there family secrets? What do you want to take away from this legacy? What do you want to pass along to the next generation?" Asking these questions allows the patient to see their current struggles and conflicts with a longer lens.
The novelist Laila Lalami, who did not know her mother, was surprised when her husband gave her a DNA test kit so that she could find out her genetic inheritance. When the results came in, Laila remarked: "So it was that, in just a few moments, I found myself returning to those childhood days when I used to dream up different families, and different fates, for my mother. What science gave me, in the end, was no different from what my own imagination had fed me for many years – stories. The search was not over. The search would never be over. And not even science could help fill out the abyss I grew up with. Only stories could." ("My Fictional Grandparents," The New York Times, July 26, 2013)
We are all part of our own family narrative that stretches back in time and forward into the future. We are creating a family story for ourselves in the present that our children will carry forward with them into their future. These narratives have many strands. Let’s help our patients pick out the strands that help them build family resilience.
Dr. Heru is with the department of psychiatry at the University of Colorado at Denver, Aurora. She is editor of the recently published book, "Working With Families in Medical Settings: A Multidisciplinary Guide for Psychiatrists and Other Health Professionals" (New York: Routledge, 2013).