"Mommy Wars." It even has a name. This refers to the conflict between mothers working only at home versus mothers with outside employment. As the story goes, each group looks down on the other – the at-home mom decrying the lack of caring for the family of the employed, and the employed smirking at the intellectual plateau and lack of earnings of the home mom.
I think the much bigger Mommy War is inside the individual woman, however. Am I doing right by my family? Am I fulfilling my potential? Am I contributing enough to the family income? Am I going brain dead? Am I devoting enough time to raising my children? Should I be saving the world as I dreamed in college?
As a pediatrician, I see the emotional turmoil, ambivalence, and stress of mothers contributing, at its worst, to child behavior problems, maternal depression, and marital problems and, in its mildest form, to exhausted mothers not having much fun.
How can we, as pediatricians, support families in dealing with this issue of our time? While parents and families have to decide for themselves, we have an opportunity to help families clarify their values for parenting and family life.
It turns out that the best parenting occurs when a woman is satisfied with her role – whether at home full time or working outside – and with her marriage. While not all mothers have any choice about working (or being married), being satisfied can be promoted by mindful consideration and acceptance of the choices they do make. You can initiate even a brief pros and cons discussion about their family choices – a sort of problem solving counseling – to assist in the evolution of more satisfaction with "what is."
You can point out that there are many benefits to children who have working mothers. The added income can provide important resources such as educational opportunities, sports, and the arts. Having a mother who studies, collaborates, or creates value through her work provides a natural role model for the child’s future success in a career, as well as in being a parent. This is especially valuable for girls who may have the same dilemma about work in the future, but also for boys who may have greater respect for women in the workplace as well as in their future homes. Children may see more clearly the value in getting an education, and may have a better appreciation for the hard work it takes to get there when they observe their mothers in this role. Resentment is not likely as long as the mother shows affection and makes sure she knows them well.
Often a mother’s main concern, whether working outside the home or not, is whether she is giving her children enough love and attention. One fact I pass along is that studies show that the average at-home mother spends 20 minutes per day of one-on-one time playing with her child. I recommend moms spend 15 minutes of Special Time every day with each child, following their lead in play. This is like gold to the parent-child relationship, whether it is problematic or not. Having some fun with your child every day also gives some payback for this hard work. This guaranteed time makes the child feel loved, reduces behavior problems, and assuages some of the mother’s guilt so that she can keep to needed childrearing limits.
After residency, the most stressful part of my medical career was not medical; it was worrying about child care. Each (of the many) child care providers we employed had strengths and weaknesses not apparent in the hiring process, but in this case the impact was on our children. Many families have unreasonable fears that limit their child care choices, greatly affecting their overall family functioning. They may feel that a child care center is safer, based on old news stories of rare nanny abuse or abduction, when a well-chosen live-in or at least home-based caregiver could greatly ease family stress (and reduce viral infections to boot). By asking about how they are making child care decisions, you can give perspective on these relative risks.
Another question, stated tearfully, is whether her baby will "love her the best" if he goes to day care. The enthusiastic embrace the child has for the child care provider is regarded with mixed feelings by many mothers. You can reassure them that, even for infants, blood is thicker than water, and that the primary bond with mom will prevail! I emphasize that it is not possible to have an excess of people who love you!