I encourage parents to engage commitment from other, unrelated adults as "godparents" as an important adjunct to biological family support. This can be especially useful for small or isolated families or those distancing themselves from their own relatives. Such early engagement can begin a lifelong bond that provides both the parents and child significant support over the years. In the case of future divorce (greater than 50%) or death of a parent, a godparent becomes an even more valuable source of stability.
For parents having their first child, the advice is much different than for families having a second child. For second-time parents, I am sometimes asked about when to tell the siblings about sleeping arrangements or how to ease the change when a new baby is coming. But one special opportunity to foster a positive relationship between the siblings occurs in the narrow window between the time of telling the child (second trimester is probably best due to the high rate of early miscarriage) and the birth. This is a time current children can attend so-called "sibling preparation" classes. Along with a strong relationship with the father, expression of empathy, optional involvement in caring for the baby, avoidance of gory details of the delivery and not forcing photos, attendance at these classes has been shown to improve sibling adjustment to the baby.
Parents who can’t take the older child to a sibling class can follow some of the principles themselves. The important points are to tell the sibling that a new baby is coming "because we love children," not as a playmate (since they are not much fun for a long time); that babies cry and sleep and spit up a lot in the beginning (realism), but eventually will be able to smile and play; and especially that "we (the parents) took care of you when you were little, and we will do the same for this baby." A review of the older child’s baby pictures can be a good way to start the conversation.
Siblings who are told in strong ways about the new baby’s point of view (Boy, he sure is hungry! Hungry enough to scream!) have more positive relationships later. While some behavioral regression (50%) and jealousy are common, most children quickly come to care about their new baby, and become loving, protective, and the best playmates and models for new skills a child ever has.
Finally, don’t forget to recommend daily "special time" for each parent with the older child(ren) starting prenatally and continuing forever, to reduce jealousy and provide reassurance that he is still loved no matter who else joins the family!
Dr. Howard is assistant professor of pediatrics at the Johns Hopkins University, Baltimore, and creator of CHADIS (www.CHADIS.com). She has no other relevant disclosures. Dr. Howard’s contribution to this publication was as a paid expert to Frontline. E-mail her at pdnews@frontlinemedcom.com.