The next step up in reinforcement is to elicit self-praise to encourage ownership of positive acts. When a child completes his homework a parent might ask, "How do you think you did today?" In the end, one hopes that youth (and adults) are rewarded by satisfaction beyond just following the rules as they adhere to higher principles even when no one is watching.
The approach of praise and rewards sounds great, but you will quickly hear from parents, in perhaps a sarcastic tone, "But what do I do if that doesn’t work?" Especially with younger children and those who are more intense, active, or negative by temperament, consequences are also needed to help socialize. The best consequences don’t come from parents at all. Natural consequences -– from biting the breast that ends the feeding to wearing shorts and getting cold – may be better remembered when no comments are added. Hard as it is not to say, "I told you so," silence or even sympathy helps the child feel that their parent is on their side while making it clear who chose the result.
Natural consequence are not always safe (think physical survival) nor are their effects always immediately evident, however. Children may not see that they are losing friends by tattling, for example (social survival). Part of the art of discipline is to figure out appropriate planned consequences that are prompt, logically related to the misbehavior, and of the right size, smaller being better. For infants, the main consequence of significance is loss of pleasure or interest, for example being removed from mom’s lap if they pull her hair. "I won’t let you hurt me" is the message optimally also delivered verbally and with some voiced emotion. Infants as young as 9 months can have their behavior altered by use of 15 seconds of time out – a combination of physical removal and loss of adult attention. Toddlers care about this, too, but most of all they don’t like the loss of freedom if they are restrained, made to sit, or grasped and silently taken to participate in the task, which I teach as "One request, then move."
From preschool on, loss of privileges is often the consequence most meaningfully related to offenses, such as the toy goes in time out if it is used in a dangerous way. Keeping "toy time out" short conveys confidence that the child can learn to do better and gives more opportunities for practice. The brief explanation that should go along with it – "You can’t play with this bat if you swing it near the breakable dishes" – also teaches the causal connection.
Teaching social survival skills should center on education about the child’s effects on others and the need to repair mistakes. Whenever possible, children who have made a mistake can give the other child an extra turn, compensate for a broken toy with one of their own, or work to earn money to pay for it. The apologies which are essential for social survival are better learned by the adult modeling them – "I am so sorry he hurt you" – rather than forced from a still angry child. Even preschool children and definitely older ones can be involved in the process of self-assessing appropriate consequences by being asked, "What do you think should happen as a result?"
Just as for rewards, immediate consequences are better, while they can still remember what they did and connect the deed to the result. Smaller is better here, too. Parents, even overly compassionate ones, are more likely to invoke a consequence and do it consistently, if it is small. Children punished too harshly remember feeling more hurt and angry than feeling sorry for their misdeed. Smaller consequences also help a child infer self-responsibility rather than dwelling on how mean their parent is. Parents are more willing to take this advice when they are reminded that teaching survival skills is the goal, not retribution.
What is effective for modeling, rewarding, and giving consequences depends on individual child temperament, past experiences that may numb or prime their reactions, and current privileges that may make them turn up their nose at a small reward. More importantly, how effective parents are as teachers of these life skills depends on their relationship with the child. A child will not regret losing attention or approval if there is none. Showing disappointment or anger when a child misbehaves may even backfire if the child is angry at the adult and wants to hurt them as they were hurt, for example in reaction to corporal punishment.