While typically developing children of all ages also respond to disapproval from their caregivers, there are some important disadvantages to using disapproval as a teaching tool even though it comes quite naturally to parents. Children are calmer, more observant, and more likely to model after and seek to please parents who show affection, acceptance, and positive regard for them. Shaming may stop a behavior and get a child to show remorse, but it undermines the power of the relationship for all the other teaching that is needed.
Perhaps the most universally accepted moral rule parents want to teach is the Golden One – "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." This is really the key lesson for group survival and also for the survival task of being a socially acceptable/desirable social partner like finding a mate! Providing an explanation of social impact and not just a reward or a consequence helps teach the child the social principles they need to know. Including "I messages" about how the adult feels – "It makes me feel sad and like I can’t trust you when you take things that are not yours" – is far more instructive than "I have told you not to steal things!" Negative labels such as calling a child a thief, often an echo from the parent’s own experiences as a child, print a negative label in child’s mind that they may live down to, weakens their relationship with the parent by conveying a lack of acceptance, and shuts down their ability to listen to the lesson. This can be a hard reaction to change for some parents. A better alternative is to limit "scoldings" and try to begin them with a statement about the child’s core values before giving a consequence. An example might be saying, "I know you are a really good friend to Matt and want him to have fun when he comes over, but you didn’t follow the rule about football in the house, so he will have to go home now." Rather than apologize for giving a child consequences, a parent can express positive intent, for example saying, "I know you are a good person, and I am going to teach you not to do bad things so you and others will know that, too."
Over the years as parents teach children the survival rules we call discipline, they have the additional opportunity to teach some of the skills that contribute to personal well being and a happy life. They can teach self knowledge – "You get so excited that it is hard for you to wait but..."; elicit from them new strategies for self control – "What could you do differently next time?"; and promote self-compassion – "You are good at heart and learning every day. I am sure you will do better next time."
In providing discipline for children, as those moral icons the Rolling Stones reminded us, "You can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need."
Dr. Howard is assistant professor of pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University, Baltimore, and creator of CHADIS. She has no other relevant disclosures. Dr. Howard’s contribution to this publication was as a paid expert to Elsevier. E-mail her at pdnews@elsevier.com.