The variations of family tensions at family gatherings are endless: reenactments of sibling rivalry; favoritism; disappointments; unmet needs; failed expectations; feelings of rejection, abandonment, underappreciation. These tensions often are accompanied by a desire to right old wrongs and protect the vulnerable. Then there are the toxic or personality-disordered family members patients do not want to spend time with, the grieving for family members who have died or have been cut off from the family, managing the impact of divorce or job loss, handling the family member who has an untreated illness such as alcoholism. The list goes on and on.
Successfully navigating these rapids leads to positive self-regard and a sense of accomplishment. For patients with an illness, either medical and/or psychiatric, successful management might be crucial to their health. Those with diabetes need to be able to control their intake of sugars and calories or to say “no” to the pushy aunt when pressed to take more. For patients with epilepsy, increased ER visits were predicted by several factors, including holidays (Eur. J. Neurol. 2013;20:1411-6). There are more deaths from natural causes on Christmas and New Year’s than on any other day of the year (Soc. Sci. and Medicine 2010;71;1463-71). In contrast, suicide rates are actually lower at Thanksgiving and Christmas (J. Emerg. Med. 2014;46:776-81) and (Eur. J. Public Health 2014;pii:cku169). Stressful life events are known to be triggers for mood disorders (J. Affect. Disord. 2012;143:196-202), and tense holiday gatherings qualify as stressful.
As psychiatrists, we shape our discussions with patients with the goal of helping them identify situations that worsen other illnesses and situations that act as triggers. We might offer additional doses of medications to “help them through.” We caution against overeating or using substances to manage stress. We direct patients to one of many websites that provide helpful tips for managing the holidays.
We also help co-parents negotiate an amicable division of time with the children, and assist in getting adults and children come to terms with the “less than perfect family.” We help stepparents come into their new role. We remind blended families that new families need new traditions.
We are trained to resist providing specific advice for patients. However, we can employ strategic and educational interventions. Our patients are dealing with family issues AND mental illness. Discussing strategies helps our patients manage the stress of family gatherings.
Strategy 1: Differentiating levels of knowledge
Help the patient to think about her family’s understanding of mental illness. The public at large, including family members, can be very uninformed about mental illness. For those family members who have some understanding, they may be unsure about the best way to handle a relative with mental illness. They may feel that they should just treat them “the same” or “be tough” or “baby” them, or make special accommodations. Any strategy or intervention depends upon the family member’s level of understanding.
Each family member can be at different stages of acceptance of the illness. These different stages can sharpen division or create divisions in the family. This fracturing of the family will most likely occur along lines that show prior strain. Once this is known, the psychiatrist and the patient can have a more nuanced discussion about the best way to manage specific family members. The strategies can range from ignoring Uncle Bert when he makes ignorant comments, to helping Aunt Sadie who really wants to understand and be helpful.
It helps to remind patients that mental illness is common. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, one in four people will have an episode of mental illness in their lifetime. Also making statements like “My illness is as a common as diabetes” or “my treatment is quite specific” shows a mastery of the situation, rather than shame. If patients can use stock phrases with which they feel comfortable, the family will be more easily settled down.
Handouts on the patient’s specific mental illness that describe facts, such as prevalence and signs and symptoms, are useful. Family members can be very receptive to hospital or clinic educational information. These steps normalize the medical treatment and reduce the fear of the unknown illness. There is no need to make a big production around giving them these. Just have them on hand, in case someone asks. Inviting relatives to meet for an educational session with the psychiatrist can open up the dark and hidden aspects of mental illness, so having your business card on hand is a supportive gesture. Holiday gatherings are neither the time to clear up misunderstandings nor to work on resolving conflicts.