Strategy 2: Managing stigma
Some family members might react negatively because of the stigma of mental illness. A way to help the patient manage a relative who wants to discuss topics that are difficult is through role play. The psychiatrist plays the patient. The patient acts out the responses of the relative. The psychiatrist models good coping styles, using helpful stock phrases that the patient can then practice.
Relatives may say they do not “believe” in mental illness. As if illness could be a matter of belief! Do some relatives think that God and prayer, or hypnosis, or acupuncture and herbal medications are the cure? Help the patient be prepared through role play.
Strategy 3: Managing specific illnesses and symptoms
Patients with depression, bipolar disorder, or anxiety who experience family events as stressful can say to family members: “My doctor told me it is important to reduce my stress/maintain a low stress level. I will therefore take walks/naps or just be able to stay for a short time.” For patients and families that need more specific help to understand, the psychiatrist can provide the patient with a written list of instructions that the patient can present, like a prescription.
Strategy 4: Abusive or angry families
For families in which there is an abusive relative or past history of trauma, special considerations include making a decision about whether or not the patient should actually go. If they do decide to go, a short-time, limited visit works best. The psychiatrist can help the patient identify triggers to pay attention to, so that they can leave when needed.
Strategy 5: Advice about family members who seem to have their own illness
If a patient gives you information that leads you to believe that a family member has an untreated psychiatric illness or a personality disorder, offering some general advice is helpful. Recommend the avoidance of family drama. If other family members get into a scrap, it is not worth getting involved unless someone is in danger.
General comments are helpful: “While I cannot tell you what the issue is with your uncle, from what you are saying, it seems that he has a lifelong pattern of making a scene or provoking others or overreacting to benign comments. If I were in that situation, I would try not to take it personally, disengage, perhaps go to the bathroom, clear the dishes, or go outside for a breath of fresh air. Holidays are not the time to “try to sort things out” or “clear things up.” If there is a need to do this, a separate occasion or a visit to the psychiatrist can be suggested. A polite “ I am feeling tired, exhausted’ is an easy excuse to offer.
Strategy 6: When you don’t know the family dynamic
Often, there are issues that go back several generations, in which family members take sides. A daughter may look or behave like her father who perpetrated violence. This daughter can be unfairly treated. These types of situations can be difficult to ferret out. It is best to say something like: “This seems complicated and too difficult to sort out. Sorry, I cannot do better.”
One technique that can be helpful for the patient is the preparation of a family genogram. The timing of the genogram is important. It is worth considering whether this should be delayed to a time where the patient can be thoughtful and not prior to going to a family gathering that is anticipated to be stressful.
A genogram can help the patient see patterns that extend back through generations. It also can highlight people in the family system who are sympathetic or likely to know about mental illness. If 1 in 4 people have a serious mental illness in their lifetime, the genogram can shed light on these relatives. A genogram also can identify family strengths, thus changing the focus for the patient, from anticipation of conflict to anticipation of renewing and strengthening relationships.
Lastly, providing aphorisms is disarming. Aphorisms bring humor and wisdom to difficult situations. “Our family has its difficulties, but we also have our strengths.” “We have some issues right now, but thinking back through the generations, we have a lot to be thankful for,” or “Mental illness treatment will soon cure all ills.”
In summary, even if patients do not use this advice, the mere fact of thoughtful exploration and practice can help them feel more in control at stressful family gatherings.
Remember, if your patient decides not to attend a family gathering, provide strategies to manage spending the holidays alone. Avoiding these events can lead to feelings of isolation, abandonment, and loss. A plan to work or volunteer, or spend time with friends mitigates the emotional pain of the “not good enough” family.